Never Let Go
by MyEccentricSelf
Summary: The brother's thoughts when they come home to their teenage home after Evelyn's funeral.
1. Bring Her Home

In the twenty eight years that I had been alive, I had never been known as the soft kind of guy. Even with my younger brothers I was never all that soft. Sure I would protect them whenever possible, but I teased them to no end, gave them shit about things that bothered them, especially little Jackie. People knew me as the Michigan Mauler, the guy that would beat the shit out of you if you looked at me wrong. But to Evelyn Mercer, I was just Bobby - the guy that was angry at the world for the shitty life he'd gotten before he was adopted.

There had been a time when I had told Evelyn everything. I would come home from skipping school all day or playing hockey with a bad attitude and she would sit me down at the kitchen table and just listen to me. I'd never told anyone so much before or after I'd met her. She was the one woman I could talk to that, though she might not always understand, always listened to me complain.

I hadn't been back here in years, but the safe haven from my teenage years had remained the same, Ma hadn't changed a thing since I had left, and as I looked around her bedroom I really realized that she hadn't. She still had all the crap that Jerry, Angel, Jack, and I had made or bought her over the years for Christmases and birthdays were still hanging on the corners of her mirror.

The things that either could be hung, or just her jewelry, were laying flat on the dresser, waiting for her to pick them up and change necklaces or whatever she was wearing. I looked down at the jewelry, seeing a couple of things that Jack had given her in his first few years of living here, and then I spotted the blue rosary.

The same rosary that I had gotten her one year for her birthday, about a year after I'd come to live with her. I picked it up, feeling the cool beads in my hands and looked. It was bright blue, a color that Ma had worn a lot, she always seemed to have something blue on every day, and I could almost tell that she wore it a lot, even after all these years, after all of the constant disappointments that I had caused her. The latest disappointment was heavy on my heart, but I knew that if she had been alive now then she would have forgiven me… she probably wouldn't have even considered it as a disappointment to her, just an accident, I'd be around the next time.

I pushed the thought out of my head and smiled down at the beads, looking up to tell Ma that I couldn't believe that she still wore this thing. But when I looked up to see if she were sitting on the bed like she normally would have been if I was in her room…she wasn't there.

Ma wouldn't be there anymore, and I think it was going to take some time to get used to. I had been gone a long time, but I was always comforted by the fact that if I did decide to come back, Ma would be there for me if I ever needed her. Now though, she would no longer be there. She wouldn't be waiting up for us in the nights that were soon to come when I decided that the time for grieving was over, and she wouldn't be there to help Jackie if I let it get to out of control.

In fact, I knew that this would get out of control, the assholes that did this weren't going to get away with their lives. And the knowledge that I might die trying to get revenge was almost comforting to me. I would be able to see Ma again anyway.

Looking back at the rosary in my hands, I sighed and laid it back down, shaking my head and quickly leaving the room behind to the bathroom.

The same bathroom where Ma had once patched up my wounds after a fight during a hockey game. Where she'd once found me sitting in as I concocted a plan to leave in case things got out of hand on the second day of living here.

I leaned on the sink, losing control then. I was going to allow myself to cry once. Only once for Ma. After that I was going to suck it up and be a fucking man. My brothers couldn't see me cry, and if I didn't allow myself this one moment then I knew that they would see it sooner or later. And if there was anyone in the world that I didn't want to see me cry, it would be Jack.

Turning on the faucet, I looked at myself in the mirror, seeing the weak look on my face, trying to control my emotions. I hadn't been known as weak since I was ten years old, and I sure as hell wasn't about to change that now. With that thought in mind, I stopped and ran my hand under the water, using it to wash the salty tears out of my eyes before taking a deep breath and then walking out of the bathroom, crossing the hallway to where the sounds of Jack's guitar was playing.

"You been crying in here ya little fairy?"


	2. This Lullaby

**"_This lullaby is only a few words_**

**_A simple run of chords_**

**_Quiet here in this spare room_**

**_But you can hear it, hear it_**

**_I will let you down_**

**_But this lullaby plays on…even if I let you down."_**

**_-Sarah Dessen_**

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><p>Detroit wasn't the same without her. Hell, the world wasn't the same without her…but Detroit just seemed that much smaller without her here, it was darker, more ominous even from when I was a little kid coming to her house.<p>

Bobby pulled up in front of the house, the light was off, something that wouldn't have happened if she were still alive, even when we were all gone she still kept the light on for us…just in case we ever wanted to come home. And currently, there was nothing that I wished I had ever done more than to have told her on the phone a week ago that I was coming for Thanksgiving. I would have meant it too, I didn't lie to her, she had this knack of knowing when she was being lied to and she didn't stand for that kind of thing. I hated going onto the screened in porch, especially when I knew that she wouldn't be in there cooking something, wanting my help in the kitchen so that I would talk to her about something.

I could remember when I had first come here and she would do just that…get me to talk to her just by distracting me with cooking, sometimes she would turn on the radio and sing, using whatever cooking utensil that she had in her hand at the time as a microphone. She was the one that got me into music, the one that taught me to play guitar…the one that taught me what it was like to have a family and to be safe.

"So, shit, Bobby, what've you been up to?"

"Oh I'm a freakin' college professor Jack, what d'ya think I've been doing?"

"I doubt that." I gave a small laugh, trying to make it seem that I was okay. Being strong in front of my brothers until the moment I could go up to my room and let it all out.

"What about you?" Bobby opened the screen door, looking back at me, "You still sucking a little cock left and right or what?"

I gave a small, uncomfortable, laugh, "Fucker."

Of course I hadn't been sucking anyone's cock. I wasn't gay, I'd never been gay…but it was one of the only things that Bobby and Angel had ever found that could piss me off enough to get into a fight for. I could still remember the first time Bobby had called me gay, I'd been so angry that I'd punched him in the face, stunning the older eighteen year old long enough to give myself sometime to throw in another shot. I punched him in the stomach the second time, but after that Bobby had gotten his shit together and blocked it, throwing one that caught me in the eye and sent me sprawling back on my ass. The fight had been so bad that she had had to break it up and she was so angry with both of us that I had thought at that moment that she was going to send me back into the system.

Bobby turned the light in the porch on, revealing Angel. We all greeted him before walking into the house and quietly, a difference from how loud we were on the porch, looked around the house. This wasn't the safe haven of our teenage years anymore. This had turned into a place where memories, both good and bad, flooded into our minds when, really, we didn't want to remember. We didn't want the memories right now…didn't want anything to do with this house now.

"Jackie, take your old room." I nodded at my oldest brother and went upstairs without listening to the end of his sentence.

Though I didn't want to be in the house now, I wanted to be in my old room, the one closest to her room, so that, when I'd had nightmares, she would be able to get to my room as fast as possible. I wanted to see the things that she had gotten me that I hadn't been able to take to New York when I left. I wanted to see the memories of times when I'd hidden my toothbrush in my sock draw and she had come and explain to me what having a last name meant…what having brothers meant. And most importantly, what being safe meant.

As I entered the room, I threw my bag on the floor and placed my guitar case against the wall. I still had my acoustic here, and I wanted to hear the sounds of that rather than the somewhat harsh sounds that I normally produced on the one I used now. I wanted to hear the mellow sounds that she had taught me to play…the simple lullaby she used to play for me when I had trouble sleeping at night.

I left the door open, I left over habit from living here, when I knew I was safe I was perfectly fine leaving the door open, it was almost a metaphor for when I opened myself up to the family…at least that was how she had explained it to me. She explained everything in ways of poetry and music because she knew that it made sense to me…knew that I wouldn't want to understand it any other way. I laid down on my bed, my back against the headboard and found that it was too small for me. The bed that I had grown up using had finally gotten to small…just like how Detroit was starting to feel.

The lullaby was a simple one, the first thing that she had ever taught me, it only used on string, one little string that was played in the same six notes over and over again. It never ended really, at least she'd never taught me an ending to it and I had always fallen asleep before she had started it a third time. It was calming to play, the simple six note melody that always stayed the same, even if you changed the pitch of the song…it was still the same, the only constant in a life that had felt more pain than happiness until his teenage years.

I didn't look up as Bobby walked out of her room and quickly slammed the bathroom door shut. I knew what he was doing, I already felt the tears falling down my face, no matter how much we all wanted to be strong for one another, and we couldn't be strong forever. We all needed to be able to break down once before Bobby's plan of revenge was set into motion. All of us needed the time to grieve for her in our own ways. I could hear music coming softly from Angel's room, the stereo in his room had a bad quality, but I didn't really care. It was a nice bit of vocal and background music to the lullaby that I was playing.

The door to the bathroom opened and closed quietly, and Bobby entered my room, making me suddenly notice that the string was definitely off key. The sound was distorted…it didn't sound as pure as it had before Bobby had come in.

"You been cryin' in here ya little fairy?"


	3. Missing Link

**So, this one is a little different**...

**I have always found it hard getting into Angel's head, the movie didn't exactly show me a lot about him besides some of the obvious things.**

**Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy this one. **

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><p>Being home after so long of being in the service was a little…uncomfortable. The light on the porch was off when the cab pulled in front of the house, which was strange, Ma never turned the light to the porch off, she said that it was meant to be a beacon to all of her sons no matter where they were. She was constantly trying to make all of us realize that we always had a home with her…and I think that was what drove Bobby, Jack, and me away. Even after years of being told that we had a home and a family, we didn't know how to deal with that, didn't truly believe it and so we all left as soon as possible so that maybe, just maybe, it would help us understand.<p>

I understood now though. Understood why I should have come home sooner when Ma had called me to see if I would come home for Thanksgiving, understood why I never should have joined the Marines…I should have just married Sofi and stayed here, been more like Jerry instead of following in Bobby's footsteps.

It was cold outside, and I found that I no longer had a key to the house. The only thing I could do was sit outside in the cold and hope that my brothers would come after the service. I wanted to know who the fuck had had the balls to do this to our mom. Wanted to know why they had killed her. Maybe it was just me, but there was something wrong about how she was murdered, something wrong with why they had shot her when they could have just taken the money and run. Ma wouldn't have fought back, she was a tough woman, she could make Bobby cry, but she wasn't stupid…she knew that if Bobby or I weren't there then she should just do what they say. In those types of situations, you just make yourself as invisible as possible.

Sighing, I walked to the corner of the screened in porch, sitting on the plastic chair, and looking at the wall in front of me. I could remember when Jack would sit out here and smoke before Bobby and Ma got home, trying to get a quick nicotine fix before the two people he was worried about disappointed got home and see what he was doing. I could remember coming here for the first time and sitting in the exact same spot, watching Bobby play hockey against the younger Lt. Green. I could remember when Ma had told me that I was getting adopted, she had sat me down in this very seat and told me that I didn't have to steal anything from her anymore because I didn't need to worry about having enough money if I needed to run away from a foster home. That same moment she said that she would allow Bobby and Jerry kick my ass if she ever caught me doing it again.

God, I loved that woman. The toughness that she had was amazing, the fact that she could tame Bobby, help Jack, and fix me was amazing. She'd never had much problem with Jerry, they were more alike than the rest of us. They were both level headed, and they didn't resort to illegal or frowned upon methods to help ourselves forget whatever had happened to us in the past. She'd known about of course, known about Jack's self harm and drug addictions, about Bobby's beatings when someone messed with his family, about my hustling. She didn't allow us to lie about it, if we ended up in jail because of something we did…we had to come clean with everything and if she thought we hadn't told her everything then she would push us until we did fully tell her everything.

If there was one thing that woman would _not _stand for it was being lied to. And if she found out we'd lied to her…well, let's just hope that it was the only time that month that you'd done that. She could make even a fucking psychopath guilty, and that was saying something. One look from her and anyone was putty in her hands…add the fact that the four of us all felt as if we owed her everything and we were totally screwed when we knew that she was disappointed in one of us. We didn't feel better until we'd made everything right, and even then we still felt guilty.

I sighed and looked outside of the porch screen as two cars pulled up in the driveway and three doors slammed shut. Glad that I hadn't turned on the porch light, I stayed in the darkness, now to tired and cold to do anything other than that as I listened to Jack and Bobby speaking.

"Fucker." Jack laughed and everyone was on the porch now.

I decided to take this as my queue, "Ya'll ain't right leaving me in the cold like this."

"Hey little brother; you asshole." The light turned on and I blinked standing up to hug my brothers, "where the hell were you?"

"I missed my flight."

"Yeah? You missed our mother's funeral too."

I hugged Jerry and then moved to Jack, "Hey you finally shaved off your afro?"

I laughed, "I missed you little brother."

"Hey, did you get your teeth whitened?" Jack leaned down, looking at my teeth and I shook my head, he hadn't changed a bit.

"Man, shut up Jackie-Poo."

We walked inside, the hellos over with, and all fell silent, looking around at the house that still looked the same as it had when I had joined the Marines all those years ago. It still had that 70's feel…still had the warm feeling that Evelyn Mercer had always given it when she were alive. But I knew that after a couple more weeks, that safe feeling wouldn't be there anymore, and I could only hope that Bobby's plan of revenge would finish before the warmth left. I didn't want to be here when that happened.

I looked around the living room and shook my head, looking in the direction of the kitchen, hoping that Jack wouldn't go in there immediately like he used to when he was a teenager and mom would ask him to help her cook.

"I'm gonna get something to eat. Ya'll hungry?"

When everyone shook their head, I left for the kitchen, opening the fridge as Bobby spoke, telling Jack and me to take our own rooms while he stayed in ma's. I made a sandwich quickly and then retreated up to my old room, taking in the military net and the women posing provocatively on the wall by my bed. It was dark in the room, and instead of turning the light on, I turned on the spinning globe that Jack had gotten me for my birthday the first year he had been with us, the colors drifting over my walls as I turned the CD player on, drowning out Jack's guitar in the next room.

I leaned back, looking up at the net, trying to sort out my thoughts. Everything was wrong. Evelyn wasn't supposed to have died…at least not in some robbery. She shouldn't have gone with me telling her that I wasn't going to get time off from the base to come home for Thanksgiving. I could have gotten time off; I just didn't want to return home where so many things had haunted me before. I didn't want to come back here and see where our whole family began.

We all loved each other like brothers, and we would never let that go…but when we were all grown up and had had other plans and places to live we all left immediately. Because even after so many years of being safe and with Evelyn; we were still so scared that the safety would go away.

And…now it had gone away, just like we'd all feared.

The song ended and I stood up, stopping the CD before it could continue, deciding to go somewhere where I could take my mind off of everything that had happened. I needed a hot ass and I knew exactly where to get it. Sofi had always said she didn't want to leave Detroit.

I walked out of the room, pulling my hat on and tried to walk past Jack's room to the stairs before I found Jerry leaning into Jack's doorframe and Jack and Bobby sitting in the room, Bobby leaning against the bed frame and Jack laying on the bed, his overly long legs dangerously close to hanging off of his old bed.

"Where are you going?" Jerry spoke, looking at me with that annoying look on his face as I shrugged.

"It's a little heavy in here, I'm just gonna go outside and get a little air."

Jerry and Bobby laughed, "You're full of shit, man. You can smell that ass from down the street, huh?"

Of course I could smell that ass from down the street, both Sofi wasn't just a piece of ass…she was the only girl that I'd kept on with while in Detroit. But I decided to play dumb and not give Bobby the satisfaction.

"What're you talkin' about man?" Being a hustler had really paid off because I was actually quite well at this whole acting pissed off thing.

"She's got a boyfriend."

So the fuck what?

"She's got a boyfriend, she's got hard dick in her right now. She's screaming someone else's name and the last thing she's doing is thinking about your black ass." Bobby laughed, causing Jack to join in, his deep laugh causing me to roll my eyes.

"Look, I said that I'm not going to see this girl, and I'm _not._"

I huffed and walked down the stairs, going to the front door and walking out, slamming the door shut. Fuck those guys, I was getting Sofi right now, no matter what the hell they thought about it.


	4. No More Hope

"…_**And that's a hard thing to do, stay hopeful. Even when you can't find a reason."**_

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><p><em>What the hell have I done? <em>I thought, sitting on the couch of mama's house as Bobby, Jack, and Angel dispersed to their rooms upstairs.

My mother was dead, all because I hadn't wanted to pay off Sweet…this was my fault. I shook my head and looked at the red walls of the living room. The house wasn't the same without her in it. Bobby wasn't yelling at anyone, Angel wasn't trying to sneak out to see Sofi, and Jack wasn't in the kitchen with Ma cooking dinner. No, we were all in out separate places, grieving over the death of the one person in our lives that had actually given a damn.

Everything had just gone wrong. It had been a spiral of shit down the toilet. One minute we're all living in the house together, Bobby being the leader, Angel the pretty boy, me the thinker, and Jack…the follower. And the next we are all back at the house finding out that our mother was dead…Bobby was surely going to start something, and as always, Jack and Angel were going to follow him like they always had. I would be the odd one out, trying to get them to think about what they were doing…trying to stop them from realizing that this whole mess was probably my fault.

I didn't like this feeling, had never had to experience the loss of someone before. Evelyn was the only person I had, before Camille and my two daughters of course, and I had never lost someone that I had actually knew before Evelyn…I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know how to act. How were you supposed to act when you lose the one person who actually cared about you in your teenage life? Especially when it was probably your fault?

How were you supposed to act when your whole world began crumbling down around you? What did people expect of you when you were trying to grieve?

In all truthfulness, I was scared…I was afraid of what would happen when Bobby and Angel found out about my business. I was afraid of what was going to become of the seemingly fragile relationship that my brothers and I had without Ma's glue to hold us all together. I was afraid of what this was going to do to Daniela and Amelia after losing their grandmother.

This whole thing wasn't fair. Mama shouldn't have died the way that she did…and I shouldn't have been the cause of her death in the first place. If anything, I always thought that Bobby (or even Jack) would be the death of her. Bobby was the reckless one, the one that normally dealt with gangs and professional shooters…and Jackie, well, he had always worried mama to no end. I don't think I remember a day after he had come into our family that she wasn't worried that Jack was going to fall back into his old habits.

I couldn't help but think that he might jump back into the drugs that he had been taking when he arrived here that first time when he was a kid again. That's how he dealt with things, using drugs and music to escape. Bobby using his anger to escape…and Angel, well, he went out and found some hot girl to take his troubles away. I just threw myself into being a better father and husband…it was the only thing that I knew how to do. But how could I do that now that I was the cause of my mom's death?

I should have just taken the deal and not questioned it, everything would have been fine if I had taken Sweet's deal. I'd still be taking care of Mama and Bobby, Angel, and Jack would still be out there dicking around, making her worried sick when they didn't call on a regular basis. I stood as the silence of downstairs got to be too much for me and I found myself arriving at the top step of the stairs only a moment later, hearing two laughs coming from the open door of Jacks room to my right.

Walking to the door, I leaned on the frame and smiled slightly at Jack and Bobby. Even considering the circumstances, it was good to see my brothers again; good to have them all back under the same roof. Mama would have loved it.

"What?" Bobby brought me from my thoughts and I shrugged at him.

"Nothin' man, I'm just glad to see y'all. I'm just happy to see my brothers, that's all."

Bobby sighed, "I'm happy to see you too Jerry. Happy to see you too."

We fell silent and I watched for a moment as Jack rolled his cigarette and lit it, taking a deep puff from it. Angel appeared a moment later, dressed up again like he was going out to a club. Mama would have smiled.

"Where do you think you're going?" I asked him, grabbing Bobby's attention immediately. I knew where Angel was going, he couldn't be here for an hour without wanting to get in bed with Sofi.

His answer was poorly disguised too, the Marines didn't help him lie better, "It's a little heavy in here, I'm just gonna go outside and get a little air."

Bobby and I laughed, "You're so full of shit, man. You can smell that ass from down the street, huh?"

"What're you talkin' about, man?" Angel was playing dumb and both Bobby and I saw through it though. He really was lacking with his lies tonight, it had to be because of Mama, he'd never been this bad of a liar.

I smiled at my little brother, "She's got a boyfriend."

Angel's face fell for a moment, "She's got a boyfriend, she's got a hard dick in her right now. She's screaming someone else's name and the last thing she's thinking about is your black ass."

Everyone but Angel laughed, "Look, I said I'm not going to see this girl, and I'm _not." _

With a loud huff, Angel stomped down the stairs leaving me with Bobby and Jack again as we watched him leave to find Sofi.

Mama would have enjoyed that scene, would have laughed right along with Bobby, Jack, and me before telling Bobby to be more respectful in a half-hearted way. She would have followed Angel down the stairs and gotten Angel to stop with the small fit he was having downstairs, making sure that we heard him as he continued stomping (longer than needed, he was probably at the door now) and then, after a moment, slammed the front door shut behind him.

Detroit wasn't going to be the same without Mama here, and neither would our family. Nothing was going to be the same anymore, and I couldn't help but once again think about the whole situation and how it was my fault. I wasn't like Mama, I couldn't find hope when there was none.

There was no more hope in the world without her here.


End file.
